How to Forgive

What is forgiveness? It may seem like a simple question; but there is more complexity to this paradigm than one might think. Forgiveness is not necessarily forgetting, regarding what happened as ‘okay’ or giving the act, which warrants forgiveness permission to occur again. Forgiveness is about the process of changing ones feelings, attitudes and perception of an injustice or offence that occurred. It is about ‘letting go’ – letting go of the negative thoughts, emotions, attributes and wishes against the offender.Sometimes forgiveness is more for oneself as oppose to the offender, a range of studies have documented the effects of health and wellbeing on forgiveness. A tendency to forgive others was strongly correlated with lower depression, hostility, anger, paranoid ideation and interpersonal sensitivity. Granted, forgiveness is easier for certain people; research seems to suggest that forgiving people tend to be less narcissistic, less exploitative, more empathetic and more agreeable than their unforgiving counterparts. However even still, sometimes forgiveness is not easy … so how do we go about it? While each circumstance, individual and event differs, a general model of the process of forgiveness has been identified.Uncovering PhaseIn the uncovering phase, you – the ‘victim’ – engage in a process of recognising, understanding and deciphering the pain caused by the event. This may involve a process of self-reflection in which one may become aware of any conscious or subconscious psychological defences. One may also acknowledge the emotions and experiences around the event as well as the short term and long term impact of its occurrence.Decision PhaseThe decision phase sets the tone for the rest of the forgiveness process; this is when we start to consider forgiveness as an option. It may come in the form of a change of heart, realising that old strategies are no longer working or a longing to move on from the event. This phase ends with the decision to forgive the offender.Work PhaseThis is arguably the hardest phase of the three – this is when one must start to actually forgive. But how? There are a number of ways one might consider engaging in this phase such as role taking, in which you put yourself in the shoes of the offender and in the state of the offender before, after and in the process of the offending act. It may also be worth considering reframing the manner in which you perceive the event; taking a more objective or optimistic view on the event wherever possible. This phase will usually end with empathy and compassion toward the offender and an acceptance of the pain resulted from it. Deepening PhaseThis is when the event is understood and accepted on a more meaningful and deeper level. This includes finding meaning for oneself and others throughout this process, understanding that you may have also needed others forgiveness in the past and the realisation of the support networks around you. The end of this phase usually results in a decreased negative affect and an overall sense of letting go and acceptance."To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Louis B. Smedes