Ten Anger Management Tips
Anger is a very strong and very powerful emotion. It can be used to fuel violent crimes, it can destroy relationships and it can disrupt our own inner peace. In my last blog I covered the reasons why we get angry and why some people get angrier than others. In this week’s blog I will cover ten tips on how to reduce our feelings of anger and manage them when they arise.
Recognise your triggers: In my last blog I explained how the same event might trigger feelings of anger in some people and not in others. One of the first steps in addressing feelings of anger therefore, is recognising your triggers. It could be the pressure of work, family obligations, disagreements with friends or even your own internal issues. Whatever your triggers are, it can be helpful to identify them – in doing this you can either avoid these situations, approach them with caution or brainstorm what you can do differently when they arise.
Notice warning signs: Does your jaw clench? Do you grind your teeth? Does your heart rate double in speed? Do your thoughts come flooding in, all jumbled and nonsensical? We all respond differently to feelings of anger; if you are more easily aware of your responses you will become more easily able to recognise when you are reaching this state of anger.
Identify your underlying emotions: Anger is what is referred to as a ‘secondary’ emotion. This means that we tend to resort to anger in an attempt to protect ourselves from other more vulnerable feelings. A ‘primary’ emotion is what we felt before we got angry such as feeling scared or hurt. For example, if someone cuts you off on the freeway you feel scared and in order to protect yourself from this potentially dangerous situation you then experience anger. By identifying your underlying emotions you will be better able to understand and thereafter address these feelings.
Take time out: Okay, so you’ve identified your triggers, noticed your warning signs and you know you’re about to explode with anger any second now. So stop. Take a breather, remove yourself from the situation that is causing you to feel angry and don’t feel guilty for doing so.
Focus on your speech and use ‘I’ statements: Lets get one thing straight – there is nothing wrong with being assertive when it is warranted. In fact, you should be assertive; it’s just a matter of how you phrase your statements. Instead of speaking in an angry tone, placing complete blame on the other person and verbally attacking them (no matter how much you think they deserve it) this is not the best way to go. It is much more useful to express your feelings, needs and wishes in clear, logical and coherent manner and to be prepared to negotiate. It is also useful to use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements. For example, instead of stating that ‘you make me feel like crap when you don’t invite me out’ you could try ‘I feel really hurt when I don’t get invited out with the rest of the group’. This way, you’re not directly placing the blame on or outwardly criticising them and you will come across as more respectful and precise.
Exercise: You can pretty much bet that exercise is good for almost everything mental health related and managing your feelings of anger is no exception. Studies have shown that people who exercise at least two to three times a week experience significantly less anger (and less depression, distrust and stress) than those exercising less frequently or not exercising at all.
Practice relaxation techniques: Whether it’s mindfulness, breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, going for a walk, calling a friend etc. it is essential that you have a way to relax after a stressful event.
Challenge your perceptions: Sometimes (if we are being impartial) we may look back on a time in which we felt angry and realise that we may have overreacted ... just a tiny bit! By reflecting on our experiences we can begin to challenge our perceptions of what happened and ask ourselves questions such as ‘did that event really warrant that reaction?’ or ‘was it really worth ruining my day over?’
Once you’re calm talk through it: Anger management does not mean disregard your anger. Granted, it may not be wise to try to work through your anger while you are seeing red – this is not very likely to be productive. However once you’ve taken some time out and are feeling a little calmer it may be useful to talk through your anger. You may begin to uncover the true causes of your anger and brainstorm some realistic and constructive ways of resolving it.
Seek professional help: Finally, it is important to recognise when you need to seek out help from a professional source. If your anger is feeling out of control or is disrupting your daily life it may be worth seeking out help from a psychologist. A psychologist can better help you to understand your anger and work out how to deal with it in a more productive way. They can also assess whether there are any other underlying causes of your anger such as depression, anxiety or antisocial personality disorder.
These are just a few of the many anger management strategies there are available. Remember if you are dealing with excessive anger you are not alone – there are a number of formal and informal supports that you can draw upon to address these issues as long as you are willing to try.