Toxic Positivity - The Cost Of Positive Vibes
It doesn’t take long of scrolling through my Instagram feed before I stumble across one of these phrases.
“Remember to always find the good in every situation”
“Count your blessings”
“Just focus on the positives”
“Keep smiling”
While often, these generic words of wisdom are well intended, they carry with them a subtle, underlying message.
Feeling happy is good, feeling upset is bad.
When we feel bad, we should do whatever we can to feel good again
Happy = good. Sad = bad
Toxic positivity essentially refers to a persistent effort to maintain and present a happy and optimistic state across all situations. Of course, this sounds great in theory, but does it work?
Suppressing emotions doesn’t make them go away … in fact it can exacerbate them
When we suppress our emotions, we are actively pushing information, feelings or thoughts out of our conscious awareness. In one study, participants were divided into two groups – one group was instructed to suppress their emotions about disturbing films they were subsequently exposed to, while the other was allowed to express them. While doing so, all participants had their stress response monitored and measured. Analysis found that despite trying not to show their emotions, the group who suppressed their emotions had a higher physiological arousal than the group who expressed them. In other words, their stress levels were a lot higher despite trying not to show it. Suppressing emotions not only isn’t effective, it can actually mean that often our thoughts and feelings linger and intensify more so than if we had expressed them.
Suppressing emotions can mess with our bodies and our minds
The concept of ‘bottling up’ emotions can be thought of as just that, a bottle that has been filled up much too high. You don’t have to be a physicist to know what comes next. Just like a bottle experiencing too much pressure, keeping our thoughts and emotions tucked away of a long period of time can lead to enormous amounts of stress on our mind and on our body. Numerous studies have demonstrated the impact of emotional suppression on our physical and psychological wellbeing. Bottling up emotions has been suggested to increase one’s risk of depressive disorders, can increase one’s likelihood of acting aggressively and has even been said to suppress our bodies immunity and vulnerability to other illnesses. Some studies have even suggested that suppression can actually impair memory.
Suppressing emotions can increase shame
Studies have shown that when comparing two groups of people – one who judged their emotions and viewed them as unacceptable, and another who did not hold such judgments, the group who judged their emotions tended to have an increase in them. When we think that we shouldn’t feel a certain way or that we are fundamentally flawed for having thought or felt something, we may be more prone to experiencing feelings of guilt or shame around them. Shame can be an incredibly powerful human emotion and one which can impact upon the way in which we view ourselves in the world.
Suppressing emotions can increase loneliness
We often feel closest to people when we can share with them, when we connect, when we open up and when others are able to do the same with us. Studies have suggested that people who suppressed their emotions tended to experience lower social support, less closeness with others and a lower social satisfaction overall. When we don’t open up to people and when we are closed off or dismissive of emotional experience, not only are we less likely to open up to others, but they are less likely to open up to us. Sure, we love to be around positive people, but when they are positive all the time, we may wonder about the sincerity of our relationship.By closing ourselves off to our emotions, we may be closing ourselves off to experiencing social connection too.
So what are the benefits of allowing ourselves to feel, process and express our emotions?
Can increase our emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence essentially refers to one’s ability to perceive, understand and manage one’s own emotions as well as the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence has been linked to positive mental health as well as playing a critical role in our professional, educational, social and personal lives. The first component of emotional intelligence is self-awareness – our ability to honestly recognise, understand and interpret the emotions, moods, drives and triggers of not only ourselves but others too. And the first step to self-awareness is being open to our emotional world.
Emotions are valuable
When our ancestors heard a rustle in the bushes next to them while they were out hunting, they didn’t try to reason with themselves. They didn’t try to tell themselves not to be scared, to settle down or to think “positive thoughts”. Their bodies were prepared to fight or flee from whatever threat might be lurking in their environment. Emotions themselves are not inherently good or bad, we have adapted to feel emotions and we feel them for a reason. By denying ourselves this, we are ultimately denying ourselves a fundamental part of the human experience.
Therapy does not teach us to suppress thoughts and emotions … in fact it teaches us the opposite
There are many different therapeutic approaches out there and many different ways of addressing our mental health but not one includes emotional suppression as an effective technique. In fact, an increasingly popular and effective therapeutic modality called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us to accept, rather than to avoid. ACT encourages people to embrace their thoughts and feelings rather than fighting them, changing them or feeling guilty about them.
It’s great to feel happy, positive and grateful for your life but it’s okay to not feel this way all the time. Part of our human experience is allowing ourselves to experience the realm of thoughts and emotions that are available to us. Not only are you allowed to feel whichever way you do, you deserve to feel that way without judgment, guilt or suppression.