What is the Difference Between Shame and Guilt?

Have you ever felt guilty? Have you ever felt ashamed? We often use the words guilt and shame interchangeably when we are describing a particular psychological discomfort. Although they may seem similar there are some big differences between these two states that can impact your self-esteem, mental health, behaviours and relationships in major ways.

Guilt refers to being in a state of psychological discomfort about something we’ve done that is objectively wrong or goes against an objective standard of moral behaviour. Shame, on the other hand refers to a deeply painful feeling of being worthless or flawed in a profound way. This feeling is internalised and reflects our sense of self and worth.

Take the example of being involved in a car accident which was your fault; if you felt guilt around the accident your internal narrative would go something like “I did something bad”, whereas if you felt shame around the incident your internal narrative would be something more like “I am bad”.

While guilt can potentially be positive, motivating us to work towards correcting a wrong and seeking forgiveness; shame often leads to a fear of being rejected and a disconnect from others as a result. In one study children were led to believe that they had broken an adult’s toy. Children who felt guilt behaved pro-socially by approaching the adult, telling them what they had done and trying to fix the toy as best they could. Children, who felt shame, instead behaved antisocially averting the adult’s gaze and hiding the toy instead. In short, guilt appears to be expressed in pro-social and solution-focused behaviours while shame is expressed in withdrawal oriented behaviours.

Why are some people more shame prone than others?

Parenting/early life experiences: Studies have shown that children whose parents are more rejecting towards them in early childhood tend to be more shame prone than those who weren’t. Additionally, parents may even consciously or subconsciously shame particular behaviours such as pride, sadness or anger which can carry on into adulthood.

Personality: Ones personality may also have an impact on whether someone is more likely to experience shame. Studies have found that individuals who experience higher levels of neuroticism tend to also experience higher levels of shame rather than feelings of guilt.

Mental health: People who are more shame prone tend to experience feelings of depression, anxiety and substance use. This relationship appears to be bidirectional in that feelings of shame may arise as a result of ones experience with mental illness however feelings of consistent shame may also lead to the onset of these mental illnesses.

How can we deal with feelings of shame?

Disclosing shame: One of the most powerful ways which we can overcome shame is by talking to someone trusted and nonjudgmental about our shameful experience. By disclosing whatever it is that we feel shame about and realising that others may not necessarily view this experience the same way, we can begin to adopt this narrative ourselves.

Look for the evidence: When we feel shame, we are making deeply negative judgments about ourselves as a whole … when really there may only be a few incidences which initially triggered these feelings. Where is the proof that you are fundamentally flawed or worthless? Is this true of you in general or are these feelings stemming from one particular incident?

Self-compassion: Self-compassion is definitely easier said than done, however there are some strategies we can implement to assist with this. For example, watching the language we use with ourselves and using thought stopping techniques and reframing when we are speaking badly to ourselves; considering the way you would think about or talk to a loved one in a similar position or even using a physical gesture such as taking a bath, getting a massage or giving yourself a hug can be helpful strategies to begin with.

Support group: Joining a support group can be a great way to heal from shame, not only are you given the opportunity to disclose your own experiences of shame but you may also have the opportunity to hear from others who have a similar thought processes. Shame can be an isolating experience, so understanding that there are others who experiences these feelings too can help one feel less isolated.

Mindfulness: When we are experiencing feelings of shame, we are often reminiscing on past events which may have contributed to these feelings, or perhaps worrying about the endless possibilities the future has to offer and ways in which we may further bring shame upon ourselves. The point is, we are often not living in the present moment. By becoming familiar with some mindfulness techniques such as mindful breathing, progressive muscle relaxation or visual imagery we can learn to be content in the present moment.

Talk therapy: It can also be useful to seek out professional counselling to work through your feelings of shame. Receiving personal one on one support from a therapist tailored to your specific needs can allow you to delve deeper into these feelings, their roots and what strategies may best assist you to overcome them.It is important to remember that shame is not all bad; in some situations shame may actually be a socially appropriate response to particular events. For example, offenders who present as ashamed at court appear to get lighter sentences than those who don't. However, when shame is persistent it can be a deeply troubling emotion to deal with. Guilt has often been thought of, as healthy shame and making that switch over to feeling guilty as oppose to ashamed shows a true sign of emotional maturity.