How Are You Really?

How are you?

How many times have you been asked this question in your life? A thousand? Five thousand? And how many times have you lied?

“How are you?” It’s a simple enough question with a simple enough answer, “good thanks, you?” Most of the time we don’t even give it a second thought, you catch your colleague walking down the hallway and you casually ask the question while they casually answer back.

However…A recent survey estimated that in 2017-18 there were 4.8 million Australians (20.1%) living with a mental or behavioural condition.

In 2014 it was reported that one in five young people met the criteria for a probably serious mental illness.

One in seven Australians will experience depression in their lifetime and one in four adults experience loneliness, with one in two feeling lonely at least one day in a week.

It is estimated that eight Australians die from suicide each day.

Is it possible that every person you ask is really as good as they say they are?

It seems as though we have become conditioned to hide the way that we feel from the outside world. Most of us couldn’t even imagine responding with “I’m pretty sad today but thank you for asking” instead of “good, thanks for asking”. We are all guilty of this … but why?

Imagine watching a movie about a beautiful, intelligent, successful young woman. Throughout the entire movie she cruises through life, finding the perfect job, the perfect car, the perfect house and the perfect husband. Not a thing goes wrong in her life and she lives happily ever after. Would we really feel a connection with the girl in the movie? I doubt it.

We connect with characters most when we see their hardships; their heartbreaks and losses, their battle with physical or mental health; their rejections and their successes, their difficulties and their triumphs. This is when we feel most for them… perhaps we even see parts of ourselves through the character.

We experience this within the relationships we have too. Our relationships tend to grow when we open up to others, when we allow them to be there for us and when we are given the opportunity to be there for them. We often find that the relationships in which we feel a deep sense of connection are those in which we can have these conversations. However we don’t often get to this point by simply asking “how are you?”, we need to dig a little deeper.

How are you really?

Now imagine that someone has just asked “how are you?”, you’ve given the standard reply however they pause and then ask, “how are you really?”. By asking this question we let others know that they are allowed to express how they are really feeling, that we are here to listen and that we care. Of course, they may still choose to lie and that’s okay; it might be enough to let them know that the invitation is there and that the door is now open for conversation.

This question also allows for the opportunity to check in with oneself. Instead of answering with the usual “good thanks” and carrying along with your day, this question often halts people and may give you the chance to take a few seconds out of your day to check in with how you are really feeling.

Not only that but it promotes the opportunity for a connection with others. We are showing that we care, we are showing that we are available to talk to and we are opening up the doors for a deeper relationship to be formed.

I challenge you to ask, “how are you really?” to someone who you feel might need it.You never know the impact that it could make.