Why you should stop pleasing people

Do you find it hard to say no? Do you go out of your way for others even if it will be a burden to you? Do you feel guilty if you can’t help someone out? If so, then you may be a ‘people pleaser’. So why is this a bad thing? You’re caring, reliable and considerate, all very favourable traits right? Well, while being a people pleaser may seem like a good thing, in reality it can actually be quite damaging to ones self, wellbeing and identity.People pleasing can be appealing, after all a big factor of people pleasing and agreeableness in general is to avoid social stress. A study by a team of researchers in Australia examined brain activity in participants who were presented with a range of statements; some of which they agreed with and some of which they didn’t. Using functional magnetic reasoning imaging (fMRI), these researches found activity in brain areas related to cognitive dissonance whenever the participants were given the opportunity to say no.Cognitive dissonance refers to the state of experiencing inconsistent thoughts, beliefs or attitudes, especially in relation to behavioural decisions or a change in mindset. In this case, participants experienced cognitive dissonance between wanting to disagree in accordance with their true beliefs and mindsets, and also wanting to agree in order to avoid social stress, rejection, failure or conflict.So how can people pleasing affect you? It can cause you to …Neglect yourself: People pleasers often invest so much of their time into the needs of others that they often find very little time to take care of themselves. This can become particularly detrimental when their health takes a backseat. While it is remarkable that you want to take care of others it is important that you don’t do this at your own expense. You can’t pour from an empty cup – take care of yourself first.Be taken advantage of: People may learn very quickly that you are likely to follow through with favours they ask of you. While your heart might be in the right place it doesn’t necessarily mean that theirs is and very soon you may find yourself being taken advantage of. People may ask you to do more than is reasonable or more than you are comfortable doing. Even people who are generally non-exploitative may have trouble understanding when they are crossing a line. It is important that you set boundaries for yourself – say no when you want to say no and try to push past feelings of guilt. Taking care of yourself and putting limits on your internal and external resources is not selfish or cause for guilt in the slightest. It is in fact a necessary facet for your wellbeing.Not do what you really want and avoid feeling fulfilled: Most of us have experienced the feeling of not wanting to attend a social outing but feeling obligated to do so. Maybe it was someone’s birthday, maybe you’d said yes a while ago and feel bad cancelling. However if you are regularly doing things that you don’t want to do, or not doing things that you really do want to do this is going to leave you feeling frustrated, anxious and unfulfilled. While you may want to please others it is much more important that you please yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness, just like any other person is responsible for theirs – do not compromise your happiness for anyone else’s.Experience built up emotions: Constantly doing things for others and taking on excessive responsibilities is bound to leave the most mentally stable person with a range of built up emotions. Whether it’s frustration, stress, anxiety or sadness, it is not uncommon for people pleasers to bottle up these emotions over time. This insidious build up may go on for weeks, months or even years however its effects will eventually take a toll on your relationships with others and your own mental – and potentially even physical – wellbeing. It is important to be self-aware and to acknowledge the feeling and its causes when it does arise so that you can respond accordingly. If a situation is causing you any sort of emotional distress do not feel guilt in stepping away from it – not only are you allowed to but you deserve to.Not have your own identity: Have you ever been in a social situation in which you wanted so much to be liked and to fit in that you simply agreed and went along with whatever everyone else seemed to be saying? It happens to the best of us … but for people pleasers this need to be accepted and to avoid social stress can become so great that their own opinions, personality and overall sense of self may become lost in up keeping up with their socially acceptable façade. While this can often make you feel accepted and liked in the present moment, it can become damaging when your identity becomes lost in an attempt to fit the self you think you should be. Remember to stay true to yourself, while you can’t control whether someone else approves of you or not, you do have complete control over your own self-validation which is much more valuable.Feel stress and personal responsibility: People pleasers tend to feel stress for other peoples ordeals and take on a sense of responsibility for problems that aren’t theirs. If this is the case you are most likely taking on more than you can, or should, handle which can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress or even depression. While it can be difficult to simply rid yourself of this feeling of responsibility it is important to do so – perhaps begin by setting boundaries around how much time or the resources you can offer and work from there. You are not accountable for anyone else’s life apart from your own and therefore your primary focus should be internal.Are you a people pleaser? And if so, can you relate to any of these consequences?