Supporting a loved one through a mental illness

What would you do if someone you cared for were struggling with their mental health? Would you drop everything and do all you could to be there for them? Would you feel unequipped to deal with it and reach out to someone else for help? Or would you be completely caught off guard and just pretend nothing had happened? Many of you may have been in this position in the past (or present) and many of you may come to face this situation in the future. While every situation is different and there is no clear-cut answer to this question, there are some key dos and don’ts when supporting a loved one through a mental illness.DO be open-minded and non-judgmental. It can take a lot for somebody struggling with a mental illness to open up about his or her hardships, largely due to a fear of being misunderstood. It’s important that you make your best effort to see things from their perspective and leave your personal viewpoints aside.DON’T assume or stigmatise. Interviews with individuals experiencing difficulties with their mental health have revealed this is one of the biggest barriers preventing them from reaching out for help. There is still a long way to go in abolishing the stigma regarding mental illness and when a loved one makes stigmatising, ridiculing or scornful comments it can make the individual feel devalued, diminished and fearful of reaching out again.DO offer unconditional love, kindness and reassurance. One study found that individuals with low quality social support networks were more likely to experience mental health problems, with a six-fold risk of depressive symptoms when compared to students with high quality social support networks. Feeling loved and cared for is a reminder that the individual has a support network around them and that they are not alone in their battles.DON’T take away their empowerment or diminish their self-esteem. Of course you care for your loved one and want to help them as best you can, however ‘babying’ them and checking up on them every two minutes may undermine their self-esteem and confidence in their own ability to cope with their mental illness. While it is important for them to know you are available should they need somebody to listen and for you to check up on them; it is also important that they feel empowered within themselves instead of dependent on you.DO educate yourself. It is easy to feel frustrated when somebody you care for isn’t getting better, or when he or she appears to be engaging in self-destructing behaviours. By learning more about their disorder you can gain a deeper understanding of their experience and why your loved one feels, behaves or thinks the way that he or she does. In turn, they are also more likely to feel understood and accepted, further strengthening their perceived social support.DON’T try to relate your experiences (unless you actually have experienced the same/similar thing). It can be tempting to want to connect with your loved one however comparing their depression to the last time you had a fight with your partner (for example) may leave them feeling misunderstood and undermined.DO keep his/her trust. If your loved one has disclosed personal information to you, maintain his or her privacy by not telling anyone to build up a foundation of trust. HOWEVER if they have disclosed intent (or something you perceive as intent) to harm themselves or others you must seek professional help as soon as possible. You might be breaking a promise however you may in turn save a life. DON’T make submissive comments. It can be tempting to make comments such as ‘it will be okay’ or ‘don’t worry about it’ especially when you don’t fully understand what the person is going through or you feel as if they are not making any progress. In instances such as these it is not uncommon for the person to feel as if you don’t care, aren’t interested or are frustrated with them.DO be a good listener. Sometimes it is enough to simply listen; many individuals experiencing mental illness reported feeling as if they had ‘offloaded a burden’ just by opening up to a loved one. Resist the urge to give advice, instead it can be helpful to ask open-ended questions, offer empathy and ask what it is you can do to help.DON’T let it get in the way of your relationship. Many individuals expressed concern that they would be burdening those whom which they confided in, or that they would see them as helpless or inadequate. While it is important you address their mental health issues, it is also important that you are still primarily their friend, family member, partner etc. and treat them this way.DO take care of yourself. There is a reason that when you are on an aeroplane you are told to put your oxygen mask on before helping others. You can’t help someone else if you are feeling overwhelmed yourself and you shouldn’t feel obligated to do so. If you begin to feel overwhelmed or pressured it is okay to take a step back and detach a little, your health matters too.DON’T take on the entire responsibility. You are not their psychologist and you shouldn’t feel as if all the pressure is on you. Encourage them to seek professional help; it will likely benefit them in the long-term (alongside their support network) as well as prevent you from feeling pressured and anxious. You may even consider seeking information on professional help together.While it is remarkable that you want to support your loved one it is important to remember your health – both mental and physical – comes first. If you are concerned about a loved one or are feeling overwhelmed by something they’ve said or done please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 (Australia wide) and if you or your loved one is in immediate danger call 000.